By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
