I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
