drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Did we literally take a cab across the street
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
