I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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