Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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