I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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