Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
