If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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