U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
