Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
