I wish my penis had an off switch
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
