On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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