Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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