i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i think my mom watched the whole time
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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