She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My penis needs a shock collar
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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