I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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