Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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