just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
