I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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