bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
