OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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