Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
