We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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