just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
