i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
