if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Randomize
