he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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