Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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