I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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