Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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