We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
