Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
