I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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