There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Terrible idea I love it
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
