Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
