and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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