I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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