my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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