Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
