You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
