Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
