when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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