I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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