You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
