new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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