I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
