my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
