I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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