Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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