Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
