well I can't set my house on fire every night
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
