Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
did i just pee glitter
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
