piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
