i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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