wanna go halves on a baby?
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
