i don't plan on having that self control this summer
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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